by The NRL finals are here. As the nine teams that didn’t make the cut jet off to Bali to nurse their injuries and cause a few international incidents, rugby league’s best are preparing to battle for championship glory.
But which bandwagon should the casual footy observer jump on? A proven contender? An outside chance? Or the right choice, the Penrith Panthers? (Disclaimer: I’ve been a Panthers fanatic since kindergarten.)
Related: There’s Always Next Year: What Motivates Fans of Perpetually Losing Teams? | Alex McKinnon
Here’s a handy guide for fair weather fans.
Storm in Melbourne
It’s no mean feat. A big-money Queensland expat team in a city that views rugby league with indifference at best, the Storm have set the standard for excellence in the NRL for most of their history. With fullback Ryan Papenhuyzen and his nasty mullet in full flight after years of horrific injuries, the Storm are heading into their umpteenth grand final with the smooth predictability of a Swiss watch.
Barracks for if: You support Manchester City in the Premier League.
Barracks against if: You want to see Coach Craig “Bellyache” Bellamy finally have a rage-induced heart attack.
Penrith Panthers
Over the past five years, the Panthers have gone from being “almost good sometimes” to one of the competition’s big three. Nathan Cleary’s prowess at halfback and his indomitable chin have helped Penrith win three straight titles. With club titans Jarome Luai and James Fisher-Harris set to depart at the end of the season, the Panthers are looking to stamp their authority on the game one last time.
For many people, the idea of seeing the same team win the competition four years in a row is as appealing as watching NRL 360 on Fox Sports. For the true aficionados (i.e. Panthers fans), it’s a chance to see a sporting feat that may never be repeated.
Barracks for if: You want to witness history.
Barracks against if: You have no romance in your soul.
Sydney Roosters
The Roosters looked like genuine title contenders before injuries to Sam Walker and Brandon Smith ended their seasons. Even though their title hopes have been dashed, the Roosters should play a very entertaining finals, especially if captain James Tedesco’s bum continues to explode out of his pants.
It’s also the final year of the Roosters’ partnership with quality chicken purveyors Steggles – objectively the funniest sponsorship deal in sport. That’s it.
Barracks for if: You believe the football gods move in mysterious ways.
Barracks against if: You believe the football gods do everything for a reason.
Cronulla Sharks
The Sharks have been the worst team in the NRL for a few years, having breezed through the regular season but failing to make the finals. With promising young talent like centre Kayal Iro finally free of Scott Morrison’s cursed presence at Shark Park, and boasting a strong contingent of players with superfluous Ys in their names (bless you, Blayke, Braydon and Jayden), 2024 is as good a year as any for the Sharks to shake off the ‘choker’ label and prove the haters wrong.
Barracks for if: You want to reclaim the expression “let’s go Sharks”.
Barracks against if: You, like Captain Cam McInnes’ mother, are extremely concerned about his shattered face.
North Queensland Cowboys
The only Queensland team to reach the finals this year, the Cowboys have been on a roll after an up-and-down season and are arguably the most underrated team in the top eight. At the end of the year, the club will also bid farewell to Kyle Feldt and Jake Granville, two veterans of their legendary 2015 grand final victory, and will be looking to leave them on a high. With any luck, they could repeat the finals fairytale they enjoyed in 2017.
Barracks for if: You like feel-good stories.
Barracks against if: You live south of the 29th parallel.
Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs
The heart and soul of Sydney’s southwest, the once-mighty Bulldogs are back in the finals for the first time in eight years – and, in true Doggie fashion, they’re making their fans miserable before they’ve even started.
After a year of exciting and stoic play, Canterbury-Bankstown’s wheels have completely slipped over the past three weeks. Back-to-back floggings in the final two games of the regular season were compounded last week when star winger Josh Addo-Carr reportedly tested positive in a roadside drug test.
Barracks for if: You like outsiders.
Barracks against if: You disapprove of drug testing sagas.
Manly-Warringah Bald Eagles
This year’s underdogs, the Sea Eagles, beat the Storm, Panthers and Roosters in the 2024 regular season, while losing to the Wests Tigers. If the bodies of ageing stars Daly Cherry-Evans and Tom Trbojevic can hold out long enough, the Sea Eagles could have the best chance yet of ending the Big Three’s near-decade of finals dominance. If not, they’ll have to race drunken punters on the Corso again.
Barracks for if: You like players with three last names.
Barracks against if: You have friends south of the Harbour Bridge.
Newcastle Knights
The team least likely to go all the way, and therefore the romantic choice. After years of doldrums, including three straight wooden spoons after their billionaire mining owner went bankrupt, the Knights have finally managed to qualify for back-to-back finals and are hoping to relive the glory days of the Johns brothers. If they somehow manage to reach the deciding final, expect the celebrations in the Hunter to register on the Richter scale.
Also, I’ve been assured by family members who have no interest in rugby league whatsoever that Kalyn Ponga is the most handsome man in the NRL. It’s not a very high bar to clear, but it’s certainly something to consider.
Barracks for if: You believe in miracles.
Barracks against if: You want justice for the Dolphins.
